Cormac Burke, a Catholic priest and professor, has described marriage as “one of [God’s] most intensive schools of love, where he wishes to train most of his pupils.” That is indeed what it is. And thinking about it that way might well help young Americans, who are marrying less and less often, to think about it more clearly.
Of course, a school isn’t the only image of marriage one could use. Modern sociologists tend to talk about it in terms of building materials. They talk about envisioning marriage as either a cornerstone or a capstone.
In the not-so-distant past, most people thought of marriage as a cornerstone. A cornerstone is not the absolute first thing when it comes to a building, but it is laid early and close to the ground so that the building will be stable. The laying of a cornerstone is usually accompanied by a ceremony. Inscribed on the cornerstone are the dates and the witnesses of its laying.
The parallels to marriage are obvious: preparation is needed, but in building a life (for most people), it grounds them and provides stability to build something both homey and grand.
These days, too many people think of marriage as a capstone. Rather than building a life that has marriage as a grounding and stabilizing force, a great many work at building the grand life of their dreams and think of marriage as the final piece on top. It can be beautiful, glorious even, but it changes the nature of the life that is built.
Building a life on your own that will be crowned with marriage—preferably to someone whose good looks and wealth you will have earned by your hard work and frugality—is often pitched as freedom. Many warn that you don’t want to marry too early lest you hamper your career and the fun one has when single. Propaganda videos about the single life (I suspect some are created by enemies of our nation) often depict good-looking people working out, having drinks with friends, and enjoying an unmarried life with more disposable income and time.
The message, sometimes stated outright, is that marriage and kids are a drag; that fun ends where commitment begins; and that marriage is an attractive addition to your life only when you have “made it” in terms of career, investments, and accumulated “experiences.”
The capstone vision of marriage is one that might “work” in certain ways for particularly ambitious and high-achieving people. Even for them, however, I suspect that earlier marriage might well be a much better option.
It may not be strictly true that “two can live as cheaply as one,” but married people who merge their finances and work to keep to a budget do achieve an economy of scale not available even to mere roommates. Most statistical analyses show that married people do better financially than single people on average.
Thinking of those high-flyers, especially men, one can’t help but see that married men tend to have more get-up-and-go than their single counterparts. For most men, marriage doesn’t kill ambition. It increases it, because the ambition is now connected to a duty to provide for wife and family. Ambition increases because love and commitment to others are powerful motivating forces for men.
Rather than preventing someone from accumulating experience, marriage still allows you to go to brunch and work out and take hikes, but it provides new experiences that aren’t possible for single people. Covenant and commitment allow one to build up a life of experience that is shared and more intense. Most of all, earlier marriage makes becoming a parent much easier. Having children is a bigger and more rewarding trip than whatever vacation you can think of.
This brings us back to the image of a school. The reason marriage is better thought of as a cornerstone rather than a capstone is the same reason why it is best thought of as a school—a very intense school—of love. While marriage crowns love in a certain way, it is also only the beginning of learning to love someone wholeheartedly. Bride and groom promise to love each other for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do them part.
That sounds romantic when one is standing at the altar. It is romantic. But it is also very hard. There is a honeymoon period that usually lasts up to about seven years. During that time, sacrifice, forgiveness, and forbearance seem easy. As the newness wears off, they become more difficult.
One realizes how much one’s love must be deepened. It’s not that things are always bad, but they don’t always seem so easy. Sacrifice more often feels like sacrifice. Forgiveness and forbearance reveal themselves to be acts of the will that one must make intentionally. The glorious image one has of a husband or wife must be remembered.
And yet, the reward for perseverance in the school of love is that one indeed learns how to love in greater depth. My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary last week. We are not perfect. We often ask for forgiveness and extend it. As much as we were in love on our wedding day, we are still learning to love each other more and more.
Thinking of marriage as a capstone or a kind of graduation from the school of love has it backward. Marriage is the cornerstone on which to build. Marriage is the school to learn how deep love can be. Yes, you have to prepare for it. You also have to know that you’ll never be fully prepared for it. Marriage is the school of love that prepares you to learn true love for each other, the children God gives you, your families, and God himself.
After 25 years in the school of love, I know how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. There’s no better institution for teaching the most important lessons.
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