Exclusive ‘Interview’: Gavin Newsom on His Possible Presidential Launch

This article is a satirical criticism of Governor Gavin Newsom, not an actual interview.

(Napa Valley, California — The French Laundry, March 3, 2026)

Gavin Newsom is weighing a presidential run at a moment when “affordability” dominates voter concerns across the country. I’m conducting this interview from his preferred corner table at The French Laundry where, during COVID, he dined maskless with lobbyists while millions of Californians lived under his pandemic lockdown rules and policies.

Elder: Governor, you’re running on affordability. Yet rankings place California among the least affordable states. How do you sell when the state is the poster boy for sky-high costs?

Newsom: First, I prefer the term poster-person. Second, this is just right-wing MAGA Trumpian spin. Affordability isn’t some pedestrian metric generated by spreadsheets and right-wing calculators. It’s a lifestyle elevation. Californians don’t complain about prices; they embrace them as badges of civic virtue. A $500 prix fixe isn’t indulgence. It’s ethical consumption. We curate excellence while flyover states settle for adequacy.

Elder: The median home price in California is $850,000, roughly double the national average. Families are relocating to Texas and Tennessee to buy a home.

Newsom: Elevated prices are proof of enlightened stewardship. Climate change regulations, coastal commissions and equity impact statements aren’t barriers. They’re safeguards against the chaos of unrestrained affordability. We don’t simply build houses in California. We sculpt sanctuaries. We’ll embrace scarcity with gratitude. True affordability is spiritual; it’s attitudinal. Californians cherish what we can’t own while proudly owning what we can’t truly cherish, if you will.

Elder: Gasoline in California is nearing $8 per gallon — the highest in the nation, even exceeding import-dependent Hawaii.

Newsom: It’s Trump’s war.

Elder: But California had the nation’s highest gas prices before the war.

Newsom: I prefer not to look back. I look forward. We’re not merely dispensing hydrocarbons. We’re dispensing cosmic accountability. Hawaii imports fuel; California exports spiritual virtue. In California, our pump prices reflect the full carbon penance. Your conscience will thank you. So will the polar bears.

Elder: California’s top income-tax rate is at 13.3%, including its mental-health services tax. High earners are leaving, which shrinks the state tax base.

Newsom: Taxes are communal purpose made visible. They fund our collective aspirations — universal services, early education and yoga sessions. If some affluent residents depart, well, that’s evolutionary pruning. The truly committed remain. And most of those who leave eventually return for the climate, the coastline and the Korean food. As president, I’ll end the racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, anti-trans race to the low-tax havens of white supremacy.

Elder: You created a reparations task force even though California was not a slave state. How do you explain that?

Newsom: Tell that to Kunta Kinte. Tell that to Jesse Jackson. Tell that to Jussie Smollett. California has moved beyond the binary relics of conventional logic, which is a contemporary right-wing form of systemic oppression. California reparations represent an alchemical transformation that converts historical guilt into good vibrations, which, of course, create excitations.

Elder: California school ratings are near the bottom nationally. Its water infrastructure has not kept pace with population growth. It has poor forest management. It has a huge gap between the rich and the poor. It has the nation’s largest unfunded pension liability. It has more illegal aliens and more homeless than any other state. The high-speed rail project grows ever more costly.

Newsom: We’re bound to be No. 1. We don’t take a back seat to anyone. We don’t follow outdated paradigms — we transcend them. The nation can evolve with us here in California or remain anchored in nostalgic decline. As Bruce Lee said, “Be like water.”

Elder: On biological males competing in women’s sports, you’ve offered little clarity.

Newsom: Biology is an outdated science narrative. We reject narrative. We believe in prose. As president, athletics will evolve into affirming civic rituals — participation over exclusion, identity over rigidity. Fairness is a feeling, and our feelings are second to none.

Elder: You appointed a black woman to the Senate after Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s death, saying it was time for black women to ascend. If Vice President Kamala Harris runs in 2028, wouldn’t your candidacy prevent the election of the first black female president?

Newsom: Racial leadership is a journey, not a traffic jam. History has a way of harmonizing these moments. I’ll leave it there.

Elder: Thank you, Governor.

Newsom: The check’s on me. Consider it reparations.

Larry Elder is a bestselling author and nationally syndicated radio talk-show host. To find out more about Larry Elder, or become an “Elderado,” visit here. Follow Larry on X @larryelder. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage.
COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of AMAC or AMAC Action.