Nursery Crimes – Poor Joe Biden

Breaking News: Joe Biden is not to blame for any of the alleged crimes committed by his son or himself when he was vice president. He is completely innocent and has nothing to do with the terrible state of affairs in which he now finds himself. He is he is the victim of a GOP hoax – nursery crimes.

That is right, changing everything, Biden is the victim of an unprecedented GOP trick, collusion between an unnamed Republican nanny in his prehistoric youth and an admirer of the famous Grimm’s Fairy Tales. What an awful trick they played!

You think this is a joke, but it is not. After they found the diary of his daughter (a story for another day), they found the source of his continuing missteps, a sad, bad, cynical, sordid volume read to young Joe.

In the volume, if you can believe it, were at least nine terrible, offensive, inexplicably infectious (Joe had no mask), and undeniably influential nursery rhymes, not as we all knew them, but as Joe learned them. 

Upon reading these, you will surely see the unconscionable effect they had on young Joe’s later life and the reason he is blameless for the bad publicity, putrid poll numbers, and all the stumbles he makes. Not his fault at all.

If you dare, read on – but these are a graphic display, to Joe’s dismay, of the victim the GOP has made him. You, too, may need a safe space.

First in line is on spiders:

Little Miss Muffet she sat on her tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey,

Along Came a Biden, and sat down beside her,

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

Hard to believe, but the GOP nanny read others:

Joe and Jill went up the Hill

To fetch what China bought her,

Joe fell down, and broke his crown,

And Jill confessed they caught ‘er.

If these were not enough, there were seven more.

Baa Baa Black Sheep,

Have you an votes,

Yes Sir, yes, Sir

Three bags full.

One for the Suburbs,

One for the City,

And one for lady

They call old bitty.

Then, shockingly:

I’m a little crackpot

Tall and stout,

Gotta lot of handles,

Love to pout.

When I steam up

Hear me shout,

Tip me over,

And pour me out.

I’m a clever crackpot,

Yes, it’s true,

Let me show how you

What I can do.

I change my handles,

Put parents all in fright,

And when I percolate

Then I indict.

 Can you believe it? Then:

This little piggy went to China,

This little piggy to Romania,

This little piggy took Ukraine,

Where a bad old prosecutor

Made piggy’s life a pain.

This little piggy went …

Fee, fee, fee all the way home.

Who would not be influenced? If these were not enough, next was:

The itsy bitsy senator

Crawled up the gutter spout

Down came the people

And washed the spider out.

Out came the sun

And cover-up was done,

And the itsy-bitsy spider’s

RICO fun was done.

 Then this piece of work:

Three Biden mice, three Biden mice.

See how they run, see how they run.

They all ran after the civil strife,

That cut things short election night,

Did you ever see such a sight in your life,

As three Biden mice.

Spoiling Joe’s childhood were these cappers:

There was a Biden who had a dog,

Commander was his name-O,

Bit the Secret Service more than

His master wanted fame-O.

Last, this bit of mischief:

 Little Joe’s Hunter

Sat in the Corner

Hiding his laptop away,

He put in his thumb

Became a bum for a fee,

Dad said, “What a good boy is he.”   

The point must be clear. All talk of accountability, impeachment, and indictment of the president amounts to a hoax, GOP malarkey, a put-up tied to his tortured youth. The next time you see something you do not like, blame the GOP. They enlisted the Grimms – can you imagine? – to do him in. They stop at nothing, you see?

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.