Whoa! Stop the Nikki Haley Train!

Media knows the truth: Biden is done. That is why they attack Nikki Haley’s age, gender, service, patriotism, parents, name, and audacity to run. They will now attack any American – in any setting – who stands for fresh leadership. Words are cheap, so indulge…a little humor.

Whoa! Stop the train! No…not the one in Ohio, but the Nikki Haley train. Stop that thing! CNN’s Don The Lemon and MSNBC’s Whoopi Cushion Goldberg demand we do so. They say – of course! – her age is an issue! What were we thinking? Of course her age is an issue.

Haley may be a three-term state house representative, former two-term governor, first female governor of South Carolina, youngest governor in the country, former US Ambassador to the UN, and seasoned leader – but get with the program! She “is not in her prime for a woman,” and is – in a phrase – way too old to be president!

The perennially sour Lemon and not-so-sweet Whoopi – respectively, ages 54 and 65 – know a Republican that is too old when they see one. After all, they are grownups, Don already three when Haley was one, and Whoopi a whopping 15 when Nikki was five.

But get real, get woke, this is no joke – Haley is way dangerously old. She is already 51, and Republicans – like the dogs – age seven times faster than Democrats. You know that, right? You did not know that?

Oh yeah, I mean Biden is barely old enough to drive, even his classic corvette, which he keeps with his classified documents, let alone his secret fighter plane, which is somewhere. Haven’t you seen his fighter pilot glasses? Yeah, whoa, stop that Haley train! 

Jeez, as even one way conservative pundit noted, Haley is an Indian American, avowed Christian, born in Confederate South Carolina – the year before Richard Nixon got reelected. If that does not disqualify her, what are you thinking man?

She is one of those totally legal American Dreamers, one of those “traditional” First Amendment Christians, born three years before Nixon (almost) got impeached, and heh, that guy was no spring chicken – by 1974, he was 61, which is more than 400 years old in “Republican years.”

Gosh yes, pull the brake cord on Nikki Haley, that woman is – here’s another disqualifying thing – a woman! She is not a “they,” not a “maybe,” not a “pronoun,” but daringly, a female woman.  As Lemon astutely observed, women – like Republicans – obviously age faster, putting her beyond “prime” for high office.

Besides, she is totally American, so her age counts double, right? She is an American woman, not like Great Britain’s Margaret Thatcher who was 54 to 65 as prime minister, Indira Gandhi who was 49 to 59 leading India, or Golda Meir who led Israel age 71 to 76. They were not American women, so that does not count. What are you thinking, man? As the Big Guy says, “Come on man!” Or as Whoopi might say, “Come on Woman!”

Gimme another brake cord, because this “Nikki Haley” has a totally Anglicized “what the heck?” name like “Nikki?” That’s so uncool. It’s not her given (we used to say Christian, but that is uncool) name, like Joe or Jill, not a cool un-Anglicized name, like say, Obama or Whoopi.

There is another thing, did you know her parents came from “away?” Yeah, for real. Not like Don’s or Whoopi’s. Nikki’s are from “away,” where they do not eat cows, have religion and borders, cannot virtue signal, dare to work hard, have real dreams, real derailments like Bhopal, and are all “native Indians” – not like “out of prime” Haley or “in prime” Kamila Harris.

Now, just a moment, before you say a word. Harris is different too, because her parents are Indian and Jamaican, which makes her different enough to be the same. And say, at least Kamila’s name is close enough to Camilla to be British, which is almost American, which is definitely not Indian. That makes her “prime,” even if she is not trans, they, or serious.

You got this right? You are following me? If not, go look it up in the Little Red Book. The Little Red Book has been modernized since Mao, reimagined to harmonize with China’s current President Xi, which is pronounced “She,” even though he acts like a “they.”

Anyway, one more thing. Thankfully, someone noticed. Nikki Haley, that audacious former governor and ambassador, has “brown” skin – but hers is different, way too different to be Democrat brown. She is a non-woke Republican shade of brown which means she’s “laundering her brown skin for white supremacy.” You did not hear that? Oh yeah.

That’s another thing, she actually worked for Trump. That should be a DQ right off. She is not down with the cause, even bad mouths the Big Guys, Uncle Joe and Uncle Xi. Just thought you should know. This non-prime Republican, Christian, American Dreamer woman is “clean and articulate,” but she is way too old to be president.

You still doubt?  Just ask Nancy, Hillary, or Joe. What are the Republicans thinking? Next thing you know they’ll want to reinstate borders, cops, cars, a stable currency, gas stoves, and an army, then end crime, inflation, taxes, high interest, unemployment, drug cartels, and climate change!

Pull the brake line, stop the Nikki train! These crazy Republicans may just take us somewhere, like America. They are nuts! Where is Joe? When that whippersnapper gets back from Ukraine, we gotta tell him we need another derailment! Joe? Pete? Anybody there? Stop this train!

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.