Run, D’Artagnan, Run

Dogs will surprise you. Mine does me. Leave them at home all day, you will find surprises. Lucky for me, my dog D’Artagnan is running for President. He prefers good signs to bad, likes capitalism but does his business outdoors. Not quiet, more bark than bite but usually right, he was today.

Gone for business, I returned to find my K-9 watching television, remote in his mouth, thing chewed all to pieces. Frustrated, he took it out on the toy. I turned to the kitchen and found paw prints everywhere. He must have been very upset, as he used his wet food to fingerpaint, messy.

At first, I just saw the mess and groaned. Then I studied his art. D’Artagnan is an unsung wit, is humble, and has his messaging down. Impressive really, not much with a sonnet, but doggonit, witty.

So worked up was my candidate dog that our kitchen floor was awash in ideas, things to put on posters, get dogs chasing bumpers, mobilize the dog beds, and give his peeps things to chew on.

You think I am joking, that dogs don’t know what is going on. Truth: They go along to get along, and to get treats, stuff we do for them since they lack opposable thumbs. You would be shocked.

They can read a room, know the weather from climate change, have an instinct for bad actors, and pick up more than you imagine, like kids. They soak it up, then one day, Shazam!  You come home and your kitchen floor is a mess – with dog wit, swirls, flourishes, prints, and K-9 cursive.

So, there I stood, taking it all in. Slowly, I saw what he had done. He got my attention, which must have been his aim. There, in dog hand, was his approach to bridging the gap between schnauzers and poodles, his approach to mobilizing dogdom, and his snickerdoodle campaign.

In dog script, since he had come down hard on technology, were his ads and ideas. They started simple, and got wilder as I read. “Dogs for Dart,” “Down with Cat Ladies,” and “Run Dart Run, Sit Spot,” were his first efforts, basic but clear.

Then came “Musketeers R Us,” “Dartan’s Our Man,” “Wag Orders Not Gag Orders,” “Leaders bot Leads.” I saw how these might catch on among dogs muzzled by their local governments.

He did not stop there. Given to rolls, he was on one about rights. You saw it in his wit. “Defend Muzzle Odors,” “Dogs for Free Exercise, “Freeze Peach Ice Cream,” and “Tips for Odd Jobs.”

A bit fringy, he was excited and got messier with his wet food. “Carnival Barkers Unite,” “Down with Barking Attendants,” “Dogs Love Their Business,” and “Read My Lips: No New Vaxes.” 

I had to hand it to D’Artagnan, he was better with wet food and paws, a big brain behind jaws than the salad-tossing candidates who prove incomprehensible. His goal was simple, turn out unreached voters, work doggedly, make them sit, and be sensible.

Turning around, thinking he was at my elbow awaiting praise – which he deserved having worked all day on this floor – he was not there. My candidate and dog were at the door.

Sometimes dogs surprise you, prove smarter than you imagine, get beyond canned answers, forgo bribery with treats, and suddenly start thinking big, not hesitant. Mine… wants to be president.

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC. Robert Charles has also just released an uplifting new book, “Cherish America: Stories of Courage, Character, and Kindness” (Tower Publishing, 2024).