D’ Artagnan’s Evolving Campaign

My dog D’Artagnan is brilliant and running for president, two things not often found together. He is not a herder, he is still a working dog, watches the news, learns stuff, and thinks he has a chance.

He is down to earth, one flop ear, a total patriot, having come from Sochi, Russia. He was rescued by kind Americans, feels lucky as Lou Gehrig never changes his accent, and has a good bark.

He is redoubling his campaign these days, eats more, leaves more signs around the yard, and is really getting into it – which I do sometimes too, unintentionally. But never mind, he is productive.

Some days we sit at the television, watching the latest gaffs and giddy laughs, another speech that’s just a dog’s breakfast, one candidate saying, “inspire us by helping us be inspired.” He just raises one eyebrow, tilts his head, and looks over at me, “What the heck?”

I usually just shrug. What can I say? He’s right, he makes more sense, and knows his words, “yes, no, wait, go, speak, quiet, boy, girl, border, border collie, terror, terrier.” A Chihuahua taught him “vote.” 

He’s not interested in pronouns, critical dog theory, DEI, or ESG, unless you mean Dogs Eat Indoors and Eat Solid Goodies, anything that relates to eating. He does like fun raisers, especially outside.

Sometimes, when wandering outside, he sniffs at something left by others but is mostly “unburdened by what has been,” not concerned about stuff “falling out of coconut trees,” although vaguely interested in acorns falling this time of year.

Indoors, he has no interest in Venn, den, or wren diagrams, but likes the two big circles on our kitchen floor. They never intersect, but who cares? One holds food, the other fresh water.

As Winston Churchill wrote, “All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.” D’Artagnan adds wet food and dog treats.

Back on the trail, he is intrigued by the candidate who cackles, just like the parakeet he suffers. She recently sang “The wheels on the bus go round and round,” reminding him he needs to chase a bus.

When she goes on about “how we feel about the moment,” and how “important” it is “to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present, and to be able to contextualize it… as it relates not only to the past but the future,” he figured she was traumatized by a dog, froze and can’t forget it. He figures this favors him.

He did a puzzle on that particular speech for a while, then wrote it off as another cackler who does not understand your average, deplorable dog. Weird laugh, part parakeet, nuthatch, or dodo. He thinks she did not stay at school long enough, and should have learned to “drop it,” like he did. 

Mostly, he stays with his own campaign, wants to run positively, positively wants to run, every day, all year long. He feels he was born to run, and thinks people love that about him, it’s a vote-getter.

These days, as summer wanes and fall approaches, as leaves change and some candidates practice their French, Hispanic, Southern, and silent accents, afraid of being barked at, he just smiles. He thinks he’s got it in the bag, or if not, someone does. If he doesn’t get to be president, maybe dog catcher… He goes easy on future constituents, and he can be a top dog next time.

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.