PETA Sues Maine – Lobsters Are People Too

The left gets more absurd by the day. Last week, PETA – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals – sued the Maine Lobster Festival for cruelty to lobsters. Laughable, the idea is taken seriously by PETA, who say lobsters are people too.

Not so? No, in an incredible finding, based on deep research into crustaceans, neurology, ganglia, and brains, cold-bloodedness, crusher claws, hard and soft shells, and lobster psychology has recently concluded that lobsters are not people.

“Now wait!” say the PETA folks. They allege this is not fair, since some lobsters identify as people and even for those who identify as lobsters have a right to be free of the “egregiously cruel method of steaming … lobsters alive,” since this is “a violation of Maine law prohibiting the torture and torment of animals.”

Their (serious) lawsuit is brought “on behalf of PETA’s local members,” although it is unclear if any are lobsters themselves. The Maine festival, which began in 1947, must be enjoined. PETA “asks the court to declare the festival a public nuisance…an unavoidable spectacle…cruelty to animals.”

They want “a permanent injunction prohibiting the steaming of live lobsters on public lands.” Before we move to the science of ganglia, cold-bloodedness, and the average PETA IQ, we should stop and ask a few questions.

First, given that moving is an animal trait and scientists find plants respond to “light, gravity, temperature, and touch,” are plants people too? If not walking, talking sorts, could they be a different kind of lobster, then also people?

Thinking hard, but not too hard, are we criminals? Are we committing crimes of “egregious cruelty” by picking wild flowers, chopping carrots, mincing onions, tearing tomatoes from the limb, pureeing them into sauce? Some will laugh, but let us be honest, is lobster with corn, a side of spaghetti, or possibly triple homicide?

The PETA folks go on, and good it is to hear them out. Blurring the line between brains and mere ganglia, feeling warm-blooded versus cold-blooded, they direct us that “lobsters are sentient beings” with “consciousness” which (they prefer who) “feel joy and suffering.” Even if they do not pray, they hold prey, until they eat it, which they enjoy.

PETA continues, noting Maine law allows “instantaneous death” for “sentient” animals, but “steaming” is not “instant” enough. They resist “chilling” since that does not numb lobsters sufficiently to be oblivious.

Possibly fentanyl, heroin, or meth would do that, but it would spoil the meat. Drowning is ineffective since, like steaming, it does not make them “unconscious.”

Worse than the harm done to the lobsters, which admittedly only have ganglia, unlike cows who have udders and brains – and if killed quickly are fine to eat slowly – poor lobsters die of sauna overdos,e and those around must watch.

This, PETA says, is also cruel to the watchers, who must see lobsters steamed while seeing butter melt and corn tortured, since no one kills corn fast either.

The lawsuit is meant to remedy all this horrible cruelty, stop the whole festival, and impose a bit of common sense on the unfeeling –  often hungry – Mainers. The whole controversy is coming to a big boil, may boil over before resolved.

Says PETA – I kid you not, since they are not kidding people – “By openly cooking thousands of thinking, feeling animals alive, the Maine Lobster Festival is effectively turning public land into a venue for municipally supported cruelty,” so “PETA is pushing to end these horrific displays and restore compassionate … residents’ ability to enjoy” the local park.

The PETA folks note, in a closing statement sure to stir the sensitive soul, unhungry, and those who prefer cuddling lively lobsters, these creatures have “nervous systems made up of ganglia spread throughout their bodies.”

Now, I must confess, this last part gave me pause, made me wonder if we were not missing something, since – if you consult your science book – mosquitoes also have “nervous systems made up of ganglia spread throughout their bodies.” Mosquitos are people, too.

Then it struck me, like a hard slap, these PETA people do their homework. They not only know where Maine is – thank God, not our corn silos – but they are consistent. We do not slowly boil mosquitoes, just bring them “instantaneous death.” Maybe, in answer to this lawsuit, we should suggest lobster mallets before steaming. What do you think?

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, Maine attorney, ten-year naval intelligence officer (USNR), and 25-year businessman. He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (North Country Press, 2018), and “Cherish America: Stories of Courage, Character, and Kindness” (Tower Publishing, 2024). He is the National Spokesman for AMAC. Today, he is running to be Maine’s next Governor (please visit BobbyforMaine.com to learn more)!