As a matter of habit, I feed birds – which means, by default, I feed squirrels. Birds have manners. Squirrels do not. I work to like squirrels, knowing they are part of God’s plan for birdfeeders, but – like impolite politicians and journalists – they work to earn my disrespect and get it.
One of my sisters – more charitable than me – says squirrels need to eat, too. She would remind me the rules are vague, unclear. Feeders do not have “birds only” signs, and if I were feeding the squirrels, birds would pilfer. Maybe.
That said, I have made my expectations of these squirrels clear. They know I expect better. They ignore what I expect. They know my intent, yet throw their weight around, abuse their position, do what they want. They have no sense of ethics, just behave – like animals.
Some bird tries to take home an honest beak of seed for an honest day’s flight, and in come the squirrels. Suddenly, the forest is alive with wild rumors. Before you know it, there is no order at the feeder anymore. These bushy-tailed marauders have made a hash of everything.
This is the way I think of squirrels, but today – pondering what my sister once said – I looked for their good points. I thought maybe I was being unfair.
My politically addled mind tried to be charitable. I tried to give the marauders a second chance. Especially in these fraught, hard-to-manage times, one has to question, strive for impartiality.
Tamping down my squirrel prejudice, putting aside resentment over opportunism, I tried to see the brighter side. I reminded myself that birdfeeders, like republics, need all sorts. Variety is the spice of life, diversity is good, and everyone is entitled to their birdfeeder dream.
I tried to see squirrels as hardworking, industrious, entrepreneurial, just four-footed realists, unwilling to look a dangling gift horse in the chops, filling up all summer for winter survival.
I tried to imagine they were not rude, self-centered rascals, but thoughtful, thrifty, calculated risktakers, aware of my disapproval but striving to be more Aesop’s ant than grasshopper.
I tried to see their pushy, groveling tendencies as a God-given disability. They were, after all, wingless, slower than birds, had no feathers, could not go straight to their nest.
They needed indulgences, freedom to butt the line, a chance to get while getting was good, even if it looked like greed. Maybe my perspective was off, I thought.
As I watched one fill his jowls with seed marked for goldfinches and “songbirds,” I noted squirrels only chatter, no songs. I chided myself for that closemindedness; they were squirrels.
Done gorging, he was soon on a tree trunk a hundred feet overhead. As I watched, he showed daring – a kind of pioneering spirit – jumped wildly for a branch, caught it mid-arc, on to nest.
My distaste faded a little. A twinge of fondness shot through me, remembering what T.S. Eliot wrote. “Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.”
Maybe the world needs squirrels to prod us to risk-taking, or for entertainment, or to stay on guard, or maybe admire the patience, peace, and song of all the others – who are not squirrels.
I was reminded of the French philosopher, Pierre Louis Maupertuis, who marveled at Nature’s order and thrift. Everything has its place, no waste. Even streams are efficient, no extra motion.
I began to warm to squirrels. Like Theodore Roosevelt, I thought, they are conservationists; they waste nothing. They turn woodpecker holes into nests, decked with thistle. TR said we have to learn to live within our means, and squirrels do that. No debt or fret, all crash and carry.
I was just about to change my worldview on squirrels, when some bullheaded cousin of the trapeze artist showed up at my birdfeeder, and promptly scared away all the feeding songbirds.
Counterpoints flooded back. Like those self-satisfied politicians and journalists who feel accountable to no one, this little pile of pudge thought he owned my birdfeeder. He had no time, interest, or room for others. He could not let them finish, had to dominate.
On reflection, squirrels do not get my vote. They have no sense of community, no etiquette, no respect for birdfeeder rungs or rules, no respect for the institution. They think they own the joint. That does not sit well with me, which is why they get shooed off my me.
William of Wykeham said “manners maketh the man,” meaning you can tell a lot by how someone behaves, whether with the cardinal’s dignity or squirrel’s bloody-minded indifference.
Edmund Burke, another conservative, agreed: “Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe.” Squirrels, like many in modern society, have none.
So, all things being unequal, I will continue to favor the birds. Squirrels will come and go, asserting privileges and exercising rights they do not have, reminding me why I prefer birds. Politicians and journalists will come and go too, reminding me why – I prefer birds.
Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.
Squirrels are more entertaining than birds. We feed both. My wife is home bound and her access to the world is through the kitchen window, so I set up squirrel feeding stations by the window ledge and a spring loaded hook in the yard. Squirrels are agile and can be quite the acrobat. They are also intelligent and can reason out the best way to obtain the food. Birds are skittish and fly away for the least understandable reasons. Here a peck, there a beck. No big deal.
Squirrels, Birds and Manners — very good story Robert . I’m thinking that if Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose were still around , Rocky the squirrel might say something to Bullwinkle moose like — ” Hokey Smoke Bullwinkle, Robert B. Charles thinks that squirrels lack manners around bird feeders ! ” And Bullwinkle would reply with something like — ” Well Rocky, he may have a point there , maybe some squirrels could be a bit more mannerly around bird feeders .” And Rocky Squirrel would say — ” I reckon so Bullwinkle, squirrels sure enough ain’t perfect. RBC is one of the good guys when it comes to promoting respect for critters . I’ll keep that in mind.” Manners are of great importance. That Edmond Burke quote is very good. This article is a nice way to approach the issue of being mannerly — through humor . Manners connect with respect,and clear communication and make for better understanding all around. Well Done Robert !
Thank you for making my day! I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time. That is my life everyday on the marsh. Being a lover of all animals, I try to be understanding and excepting of their rude and often dictatorial behavior, but there are occasions when I must set aside my kind and humorous heart to remind them of who is truly in charge. Without me, there are no bird feeders that are filled to the max and no bird baths, which our furry ones love on a hot day. My nemeses are the raccoons, who have absolutely NO manners and the house sparrows who are squatters. As an educator, I have had an abundance of experience dealing with the squirrels, raccoons, and “squatters” of human form. I’ve learned to just have an abundance of humor in my back pocket. Thank you again, Bobby!
”There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and a good humor.” Charles Dickens
We also have bird feeders and for the past three years we have watched the squirrels become very frustrated and trying to obtain food from the feeders they’re called squirrel Busters and when the squirrel jumps on it the feeding area closes however when the birds are on it it’s not a problem so we are entertained by the attempts of the squirrel trying to defeat the squirrel Buster feeder and this goes for a gray squirrels and red squirrels we are constantly entertained when new ones show up in the backyard. Now I agree completely with your article and if we ever do get manner’s restored in Congress we might get something done keep up the. Keep up the good work
Great story, RCB!
My experiences with wildlife are Mallard ducks who visit the resort’s koi pond. They are very intelligent and remind me of human beings. They fight, pull feathers from rearends and chase food competitors. A year or so ago, I conducted an experiment by placing small piles of formulated duck pellet on the concrete sidewalk. I would no sooner start to place another pile of pellets than one duck would stop feeding and quickly move to the fresh pile1!
I thought of an experiment to try on people by placing small handfuls of ten dollar bills on the sidewalk and spaced ten feet apart. The rush of people scrambling to gather the bills would simulate the Mallard ducks scrambling for the pellets! When Mallards are well-fed, they are very entertaining! Happily chasing each other and swimming under water for several feet!
So, people aren’t much different from many animals except food is “money!”
A happy “quack, quack” from your fan, RCB!
Squirrels are quite intelligent. My husband traps them, releases them five miles away and within a week, the thing or things are back at our property. They are just as intelligent as dogs or cats to find their way to what they consider to be “home”! Makes my hubby quite angry. I just have to laugh under my breath.
We put food for the squirrels on the ground and food for the bords in the feeder on a pole. If you really want entertainment, grease the pole with Vaseline and watch the squirrels try to climb it and slide back down.
Robert Charles – I used to feel the same way! However, I solved the problem by feeding them on the ground with Squirrel food! It really works because they are so preoccupied with all the peanuts and corn kernels that they don’t even look up at the feeders! I love watching them chase each other and building their nests in our trees in the back yard. They may not possess good manners but they are great entertainment!
I enjoy feeding the squirrels! They seem territorial and chase some squirrels from the feeding grounds. They appear to eat their fill before carrying some back to their lair.
Birds do have better manners than squirrels, for sure, and some birds have even better manners than others. Cardinals seem to be the gentlemen and ladies of the bird world as they will usually wait for their turn at the feeders while others just swoop in and argue over who gets to be first. Cardinals could teach humans something important about good manners!
I agree in the squirrels and others must too for they invented squirrel proof bird feeders which I now use. Squirrels plan nuts everywhere but never remember where until I am digging out black walnut seedlings which will kill many a tree I plant to eat.
Squirrels like sparrows have the same mindset opportunists with your seed that you put out for others. Hopefully in heaven they will have a different job if they are there at all. ????
RBC, good article. We feed the birds (and squirrels). However, we outsmarted the squirrels as for as the bird feeders are concerned. We created a triangular natural area in front of our kitchen pitcher window. The poles with bird feeders have baffles which defeat the squirrels. Needless to say, there aren’t any trees within jumping distance of our feeders! We have one ground feeder which supplies the squirrels, rabbits, and birds. The squirrels are pigs … they come charging in to the feeder scaring off the birds and rabbits. But once they’re gone, the “polite society” returns. There will be a rabbit on one side politely nibbling, and a bird perched on the other. Our humming birds aren’t bothered by squirrels, but the bees try to bombard them! Nature is very entertaining.
There are no squirrels where I live, but I do have marauding turkeys who are not as entertaining as squirrels. I chase them off with a paintball gun. Haven’t hit one, but they don’t like the noise. I have lot of green splotches on my trees!
I don’t feed birds or squirrels but my neighbors do. The squirrels have been very aggressive and destructive this year. I had to replace my outdoor chair cushions at a cost of about $700. They built a nest – twice – in the gutters over my deck. I had to hire a handyman to get on the roof and install a cover. That was $200. And the squirrel came back, jumped over the covers and filled the gutter again with nest material. So now I had to go back on the ladder and clean it out. And make a new cover. Finally, my neighbor told me I had a leak in my sprinkler system and when I called those guys- they said a squirrel had dug up my soaker line and disconnected it. Another $150 down the drain. Pain in my back side. Grrrrr.
I love watching squirrels, they are so interesting to watch.
A 22 rifle and a box of 22’s will help your problem. Kyle L.