D’Artagnan’s Campaign – Early Voting

D’ Artagnan, my presidential candidate dog, is irrepressible, all heart, flop ear, happy – as always – to be American, and getting excited. As November approaches, he observes news at my elbow. His latest ruminations, what he murmurs about and growls at, entertains me, and may you. Going to be … an interesting November.

First, he likes the smell in the air, has taken a fresh interest in everything after that JD Vance debate, likes the guy for some reason, maybe the facial hair, but is gracious, patient, and can bite when needed.

He seems to think this guy would do well in a dogfight, has the look, circles well, keeps his scruff down, no wasted energy, no senseless nipping, but bites hard and chews thoroughly, very doglike.

On the other hand, D’ Artagnan is still in the mix himself, reminding me he is the American Dream, rallying patriotic dogs to his cause, reminding all his dog constituents to wag, no bones about it.

I like his temperament, rough-and-ready, but try to keep him realistic. We have been over the “who can vote thing,” and he still thinks more deplorables are dogs than people. He imagines they may yet get their opening. He reminds me he is on the rubber chicken treats circuit, I am not. True.

He gets excited by other things, and I have to listen, since we run, walk, eat, and mull the world together many days, and he seems as logical as any other dog, more than many people I know.

His biggest thing these days is early voting, getting every Tom, Dick, and Harry, every Spot, Max, and Daisy out to vote, nighttime door barking, sign tinkling, and raising a big ruckus, which he calls fun.

He reminds me dogs are ahead of people in this category and in many ways. Dogs are already on Generation Quadruple Z, genealogy wildly complicated, his pals are alpha dogs but respectful of size, shape, color, ears, height, weight, and snout, indifferent to how Beagles and Bison Frise dig or jump.

He notes his campaign is going “big,” welcoming any dog with a collar and legal name, no limits on origin, ready to accommodate Thai Ridgebacks, grumpy Chow Chows, mouthy Schnauzers, bone-clinging Rat Terriers, officious Dachshunds, even Chihuahuas with good tags, and legal Afghans.

My brows are up at his novel approach, very egalitarian, very populist, very nice. He says people could learn a lot from dogs, straight talk, fidelity, loyalty, basic stuff, the judgment of character, how to sniff out bad intentions, babble bark, fake courage, those all cat no cattle, more rat than rabble.

I am intrigued, frankly, and ask if he has any other ideas. He is full of them, let’s me know he is chasing the Hungarian Puli vote, Russian Borzoi (wolfhounds), Peruvian Inca Orchids, German Leonberger crowd (who love beer bites), Japanese Chin (filled with suburban sue-she), and the unlikely, race-tipping “Xoloitzcuintli” demographic. This last makes me spit my coffee. The what?

He says you have to go everywhere, get the shaggy, grumpy, dim-witted, fast-legged, creaky, wormy, quiet, squirmy, talkative, and silent voters, and he’s at it. And the how-ever-you-pronounce-it “Xoloitzcuintli” dogs? Yep, of course, Mexican Hairless dogs. No need for shots, must have tags.

Anything else? Yes, he says dogs do not waste a lot of time chasing paper, but some things matter to his “tribe.” They like their free speech, a good job, hunting, gathering, running, and no leashes, even from benevolent dictators, like me. 

He knows that hurts may cost him, but I get it. He knows his limits, flops down beside me, and sighs. He has a good sigh. Don’t we all? He knows we are lucky Americans, who can run for anything. He knows we have to vote early to keep our freedom. He dreams of deer, ducks, fireside heat, and dog treats. I am still back on the Xoloitzcuintli vote.  Yes, going to be … an interesting November.

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.