Just a Rumor – More Secret Documents

A leaker works in Biden’s White House, with unknown power and access. He seems able to secure secret documents, and has done it again. Just when we need it, we have a patriot inside. An intermediary was handed a second “secret memo” in a dark DC garage. Viola! Deep Goat.

Key points from the super-secret memo are below. “Deep Goat” apparently found it balled up, hidden in a cardboard egg carton, deep in the White House kitchen. Given the price of eggs, that makes sense. In any event, here we go.

“We are two years in. ‘The Big Guy’ needs us, as wheels are coming off, and I don’t mean the Corvette. Boxes are bad enough, but it may get worse. They did not look in the trunk. ‘The Little Guy’ lost the keys, and we have 10 pounds – he calls it 11 kilos – of documents in there. Watch that car.

Okay, some planning points …

First, while Attorney General Garland will not touch the classified documents, China links, or laptop with a ten foot pole and special counsel Robert Hur is in the bag, former Rod Rosenstein guy –we cannot risk a bigger investigation.

Everybody thinks this is just ‘mishandling,’ since we inoculated ourselves with the Trump raid, and even made Boy Scout Pence dig around and find “classified documents,” but we know the truth. As Obama said, ‘Don’t underestimate Joe’s ability to f—things up.’ And his son, The Little Guy, is even worse – cannot keep anything zipped, including his mouth.

Second, we are dodging bullets. Luckily, no one has looked behind the Little Guy’s canvases, where we put the documents for Big Rocket Man, who is now antsy and wants more for not taking Taiwan. Those recent fighter incursions? That’s not for Taiwan – that’s for our Big Guy.  

Third, let’s get some new distractions, shall we? That is what we are hired for. Cannot keep dumping on ‘White House Counsel.’ Policy must get the light, or they will call our “wealth creation” scheme … corruption. We have used up COVID and no one is buying bird or monkey flu. We need some new ideas.

Fourth, on the policy side, we need to stoke the base. Old stuff is wearing thin, like those aviator glasses. The Big Guy leaves them everywhere, and most Americans do not think he ever flew a plane. Corvette helped, but not enough…  

Fifth, Kamy did a great job reimagining the Declaration of Independence on MLK Day, omitting “life” and “Our Creator,” saying it was just “liberty,” “happiness,” and “government.” Next time the Big Guy talks, omit the 2^nd, 4^th, 5^th, and 6^th Amendments, rights to keep and bear arms, be safe in papers and houses, due process, equal protection, and fair trial. Let’s just promise to enforce the 3^rd Amendment, the one saying British troops cannot be housed in our homes. We got that one.

Sixth, let’s change the American flag’s colors. This is easy. Red triggers our people, it ‘does emotional violence’ like those MAGA hats. Blue looks like a defense of the ‘thin blue line,’ law enforcement. And white stripes and stars? Are you kidding? Let’s go green and black, rainbow stars.

Seventh, for open borders, let’s reissue US maps with no dotted line at the bottom. Simple, and makes the border harder to find. Plus, we can give blue states federal mapmaking grants.

Eighth, let’s rile up the crowd that “cling to their guns and bibles.” We will change “Before Christ” (BC) and “Anno Domini” (AD, meaning “in the year of our Lord”) to “Before Corvettes” and “After Dinosaurs.” We will outsmart all those dumb fact checkers, since Corvettes did come later, and dinosaurs were earlier (I think).

Ninth, we can make points with Iran and China – stick it to Saudi Arabia, who won’t give us oil or answer your calls. Let’s rename the Arabian Gulf the Iranian Gulf and the Indian Ocean the China Ocean. China will love it – teaches India a lesson.

Tenth, we save a kiloton of money – more or less what we spent last year – if we give up nuclear weapons. They contribute to climate change. Just one nuke would bang C02 levels like a carnival bell, and make African farmers poorer. We could then ask China to follow us, use the money saved for solar powered scooters. It’s a no brainer, especially as we ban cars.

Last, we should give his Excellency Fauci the Presidential Medal of Freedom for becoming “science” – and do it the same day President Xi awards him their Gold Sickle for dignified deception. We could also throw in the legalization of fentanyl, making China happy, improving relations with Mexico, and it goes with erasing the dotted line.

Okay, that’s it. Keep these documents secret. Either eat it or put it in the egg container. No one looks there. But be careful – someone named Deep Goat is onto us. Just a rumor.

Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC.