“What’s my corvette doing at the White House? Where did my documents go? I have to go to the… um… where’s my teleprompter?
“Mr. President, you are not president anymore and just a moment, let us get you that teleprompter. Is that better? “
“Uh, um, yes … bathroom. Yes, bathroom. Now, this office is not oval. The door is not in the same place.”
“No Sir, you are right Sir, this office is rectangular, not oval, we left the oval one in Washington for President Trump. And you are right again, Sir, the door is in a different place.”
“For President who? Trump? He’s, he’s an enemy of the … where’s my teleprompter? Right here Sir, over here Sir. We do not have the fireplace anymore either, Sir, I am sorry. We left that too.”
“Oh, and wait, yes … of the People. Okay, we did? Okay. But isn’t he a MAGA Republican? Why would we leave him the fireplace? Doesn’t he live in Florida? He doesn’t need a fireplace?”
“Yes Sir, you are exactly right, Sir. He is one of them. In fact, he is the Big MAGA. He invented the hats and the saying, and it seems a lot of people like him, so he moved from Florida to DC.”
“DC?”
“Yes, Sir, where you used to live when you were president. He lives there now. He moved back in.”
“I am the President!”
“Yes, Sir, you are a president Sir, but your time is over and now he is in the Oval Office. He is our new president.”
“Does Hunter know about this? Does Jill know? She will be hopping mad, I know she will, she does not like that guy. And Hunter, has he let the Chinese know? They will not like this either. Who thought of this, and why did we leave him the fireplace again?”
“Sir, the way our democracy works, and I know you are an expert on this, is that we have these changes now and then, and they come after elections, and that is how democracy works. Remember you spoke about this when you had those red lights, and the US Marines near you?”
“Yes, yes I do, I sure do… Come on man, that guy can’t be the president again, can he? Did I sign an order letting that happen? Where is Barry, he’ll know, he wrote those things, Harvard guy you know.”
“Yes Sir, well, actually Sir, President Trump won the electoral vote and popular vote after Ms. Harris took your job and ran against him. She was trying to help, but it didn’t work out. And Barry, well, Barry and the Mrs. are not getting on well. She is sore. She did not even go to the Inauguration.”
“Oh yes, that’s right, the inauguration. Now I recall, and cold too. I didn’t have any lines. I didn’t say anything, did I? Why didn’t I say anything? That was a cold day. Why did we give him the fireplace?”
“Sir, not everything goes the way we want, the climate isn’t actually in our control, even though we got votes telling people that. It was just cold, God made it cold. And I am sorry about the fireplace. I think if we let the Chinese or Mr. Zelinsky or Mr. Soros or Mr. Zuckerburg know, they’ll send us one.”
“God? Really, I thought that was just in the Bible. You mean all our windmills and solar pans are not real, and can’t change the weather? Wait a minute, are you MAGA? Where’s Jill? She is gonna be really mad about this, I know it. When she hears about this, she’s gonna hit the roof. Come on, really?”
“Yes Sir, I’m sorry Sir, there is a lot that isn’t quite how we talked about it. And they are panels, not pans. And I think the First Lady may already know about this.”
“Does Barry know about this? He said we needed windmills and pans, Seer Tea and Dee Yee Eye, and lots of genders, good old-fashioned riots, and Mars-ism in schools to stop MAGA people. This doesn’t sound good. I think we might have to withdraw, like in Afghanistan.”
“Well Sir, that is a good way to think it, I guess. I think Barry might have been wrong about that stuff. The People do not like those things. And you did withdraw, Sir, that’s a good way to think about it.”
“What is Mars-ism anyway, I kept meaning to ask him. Does it have to do with those aliens they talk about? He said he had it worked, MAGA guy would get slimed, old man Garland on the High Court, no loans for anyone, free stuff for poor from rich, and I would get ice cream. What happened?”
“Sir, there is a lot that did not work out exactly as you and Barry, Jill and Kamila, Tony and Austin, Chuck and Nancy, Taylor and Oprah, Cher and Barbra… thought. A thousand pardons, but it just did not work out the way you wanted. But how about some good news… We do have ice cream!”
“Yes, yes, that is nice, ice cream. I like that. We didn’t give that new guy our ice cream, did we?”
“No Sir, we sure did not. We left the Oval and door and fireplace, but we took the ice cream.”
“Good, good, he needs to know who’s boss. But tell me again, why’s my Corvette in the White House? And where did my documents go? I have to go to the… um… where’s my teleprompter?”
Robert Charles is a former Assistant Secretary of State under Colin Powell, former Reagan and Bush 41 White House staffer, attorney, and naval intelligence officer (USNR). He wrote “Narcotics and Terrorism” (2003), “Eagles and Evergreens” (2018), and is National Spokesman for AMAC. Robert Charles has also just released an uplifting new book, “Cherish America: Stories of Courage, Character, and Kindness” (Tower Publishing, 2024).
