By Jedediah Bila, Author and Political Commentator
Let’s take a little walk down Fictional Lane. There you are, front row center, at the 2010 World Boxing Association heavyweight title fight.
You quickly discover a disapproving note from your Aunt Suzie in your pocket that reads as follows: Violence is just no good for the soul, Samuel. Shame on you. You give a momentary conceding nod, then shake it off and make a final bet with your buddy Joe on who will win.
You see, this fight’s a little bit different: a hard-core lefty and full-blooded conservative will duke it out right before your very eyes. You bet a whopping $500, some of which will be spent on flowers for Aunt Suzie so that she doesn’t stay mad and withhold her homemade chocolate chip cookies. You just know you’ve got this one in the bag. All of your money is on the RC—Reagan Conservative—in the right corner. Here’s why:
- The lefty will get on the referee’s nerves right from the start. Why? Because when the conservative starts off the match with “I’m gonna win, sissy,” the ref will have to deal with all that “No Name-calling Allowed” paperwork the lefty brought with him.
- The lefty will let distraction get the best of him. When the conservative gives the lefty his first black eye, the lefty will quickly suffer a follow-up right hook. Why? Because the lefty will have paused to discuss, in detail, why the term “black eye” isn’t politically correct.
- The lefty will bring up the equality clause. If the conservative takes the lead, the lefty will insist upon scoring equality. He will make a lengthy case for point redistribution, regardless of performance. When his request is denied, he will fill out an “Unfair Due to Racism or Other Unknown Reason” form, but his exhaustion from the debate will leave him subject to a knockdown.
- The lefty will cite an unfair advantage. If the lefty falls behind, he will insist that childhood trauma and economic inequality be factored into the final tally. Because his dad spanked him once at the age of seven, his inner child is at a strict disadvantage. Also, because his parents couldn’t afford boxing gear for him as a kid, his formative fighting years were clearly compromised. When his plea is turned down, frustration will get the best of him in the next round.
- The grand finale. When the lefty overhears the conservative’s mom shout, “You go, my American hero,” he will tell the conservative that his mother needs a crash course on how America has made plenty of mistakes, too. Insulting his mom and his country in the same breath? That, my friends, will mark the knockout.
And so the conservative will win the 2010 World Boxing Association heavyweight title. The lefty will file a complaint with the WBA for compensation due to physical and emotional duress. You’ll snag $500. And Aunt Suzie will get two dozen roses.