Lessons Learned from Dating Liberals

Jedediah Bila

By Jedediah Bila

I have never been a liberal. In fact, my parents and I often joke that I popped out of the womb as a Reagan conservative. As a result, I don’t have a fascinating liberal-turned-conservative convert story to share with you. I also can’t tell you what it’s like to be inside the head of a lefty. But … I can tell you what it’s like to date one.

Now before you say “Are you crazy?” or “How could you possibly?”—hear me out. I grew up in New York City, attended Columbia University, worked in academia, and have an absolute and undeniable magnetism toward artists and musicians. In other words, my dating pool has consistently been saturated by lefties. And although it may surprise you, I’m really glad it has. The lessons have been absolutely priceless.

And so I bring you my “Lessons Learned from Dating Liberals”:

  •  You may think you’re arguing about who used the last clean fork or why his clothes are still on the bathroom floor, but you are mistaken. What you’re really doing is judging him. That’s right, you self-assured, confident, just-stating-your-opinion right-winger. Everything you say is a judgment. And yes, that includes your comment that his dinner could use a little more salt.
  •   No matter what happens, it’s your job to take responsibility for it. Doesn’t matter that you didn’t do it. Doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your fault. Not important that you were sitting by quietly while he had a fairly alarming tantrum. STILL YOUR FAULT. And when you “own up,” don’t try any of that simple “I’m sorry” stuff. You must display profound internal suffering at all times.
  • Your opinions don’t count. Well, that’s not entirely true. They count when you agree with him. When you don’t, you’re wrong. And not just wrong, but mean. And hurtful. And—you guessed it—judgmental.
  • He’s not short. (He’s vertically-challenged.) He’s not a nerd. (He’s an intellectual.) He’s not broke. (He’s temporarily fiscally deficient.) And if you Brooklyn girls happen to talk about how much you like your Guinea tees (as this Italian often does), you’re a horrible, horrible person. In other words, you’ve entered the PC-only zone. Proceed with caution or you will have one offended lefty on your hands.
  • If you want to stay on his good side, be extremely generous with money—everyone’s money but his, that is. Also, volunteer to pay for just about everything (bonus: you get to master the liberal “break traditional gentlemanly norms” dating rule). And always hate on the rich (because he insists it will make you feel better about your paycheck—and his).
  • You’re only allowed to be as successful as he is. So stop working so hard! I mean, you’re clearly just trying to make him feel inadequate. (And yes, he will self-identify as a feminist while demeaning your ambition.) P.S.—If you sit on the couch laughing and enjoying a bag of Doritos while he condescends, experience has taught me that you will spend your night listening to a lot of screeching.
  • You must always be tolerant of his feelings, likes and dislikes, and temporary physical and emotional states. That means you must coddle him (but don’t call it that because it will make him feel weak) and de-prioritize your every need and emotion (but don’t say that either, or he’ll remind you how selfish you are). Also, never respond to a curse word with a curse word. His curse is warranted. Yours is just cruel.
  • Perhaps most importantly, never turn on Fox News (or you shall face his stomping feet). Also, clear your bookshelves of anything that says “capitalism,” “Sean Hannity,” and “global warming myth” (or his screeching will return). Of course, be prepared for a nice late-night dinner after you’re fully censored, during which he will reference the importance of diversity, healthy debate, and open-mindedness.

So, there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed a peek into life with a lefty. Oh, and I almost forgot—never smile too much! Clearly, you’re only doing it to belittle his perpetual depression.

And yes, when in the midst of one of his many tantrums, revenge really is as simple as putting on an American flag t-shirt.

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4 years ago

After reading your article , I was thinking , what sane person would date these type of people.

6 years ago

hmmmm….it actually sounds like JB dated folk with issues that are outside of their political ideologies. she simply dated guys who were not good fits for her, and she should have been able to see that early on ;)

Frank Johnson
6 years ago

You slept with this guy? Did you fight over who wears the top and who wears the bottoms of the PJ’s? Did you go to him for decorating and fashion tips too? Extremely disappointed in you little girl. Start hanging around shooting ranges, airports, fishing piers, rugby fields and you will find a man. A real, jeans, loafers, sweat shirt, pick up driving, butt slapping “hey how you doin sweetheart” kind of guy. Cmon Jed, you want kids someday dont cha?

7 years ago

Oh my, Jedediah! You nailed it! So funny and true that it’s painful. Liberalism is an illness.

8 years ago

Sounds alot like a narcissist, which all liberals are. But I’ve known my share of narcissistic conservatives too. None-the-less, they are weak and unworthy of any quality relationships in their lives. Any man given to tantrums who concerns himself more with his image than with real accomplishments is no man at all.

9 years ago

awesome! some generic, broad-brush statements without even a single anecdote to back them up. at least your book provides a few stories, even though they only prove idiots exist in all political stripes. sounds more like you mostly date jerks, liberal or otherwise.

9 years ago

My daughter’s roommate commented about how quiet she always is. “You’re so judgmental.” After thinking a moment, my daughter answered, “It’s true, I do make judgments. At least I know when I’m doing it!.” Her roommate became very quiet.

Larry Korn
9 years ago

Many years ago I printed a Tee shirt with tbe LOGO “LIBERALS AREN’T”. I got a lot of comments for that one.

Dan H
9 years ago

I dated a Lib once, I was an Employment Consultant and She was my Applicant. I first found out She was a Women’s Libber, but She was attending the Univ Of Chicago on Daddy paying Her Tuition, Her Apartment, Her car, She was only using my Services to see what was out there, but really did not want a job until She completed her degree in Liberal Arts.

Faye P
9 years ago

We all make mistakes, but you hung around longer than I would, after the first temper tantrum because I did not agree with him He sounds l
Abusive, manipulative and immature to the extreme. Makes you question your snaity and intelligence to be around people like that. If you meet another one, no matter how charming he may appear RUN fast!!!

sarah palin
9 years ago

sometimes i get my hubby todd to dress up like bill maher and finger bang bang me until his finger stinks! LOL Great article keep up the great work you are an AMAZING WRITER GIRL GO GIRL GO!!!!!!

Emilia Kette
9 years ago

A great Brazilian Conservative lady who lives in the DC area (she’s married to Olavo de Carvalho, the best Brazilian Conservative ever!) sent this to me. I love it! When I finished reading I thought of a line from my favorite movie: Groundhog Day. When Rita describes her ideal man, Phill looks at her puzzled and asks if it was a man she was talking about! Bingo!

rodney burke
9 years ago

Hilarious! Liberalism is a mental disorder and I think this article points that out conclusively. The liberal is very close minded and one sided in their thinking! I think everyone should be exposed to how a diseased liberal conducts their life! I find the attitude annoying to say the least.

9 years ago

It would be funny if it wasn’t so true.

9 years ago

Too funny!!! I am also drawn to many liberals having grown up in NY City and graduated from Columbia too. I just don’t understand why these elitists repress their intelligence and exalt their emotions.

9 years ago

Wow! My ex-wife was a liberal in conservative clothing (probably to get her $2mil divorce). Love your wit!

9 years ago

Tried once to reason with a liberal.Frustration sets in when his counter argument jumped all over without any focus. It always was who did this and who did that (without evidence) so it was right for him. Finally, gave up and not waste my time and energy to debate liberals.

Judy Donovan
9 years ago

Loved your article. Are you sure you weren’t describing men in general. My husband is a conservative and you nailed it almost 100% on attitude. I have a hard time fighting depression as I only do 2 things wrong– everything I say and everything I do!

Don Fisk
9 years ago

Superb observations! You hit the nail on the head. Oops, sorry, too violent for liberals. Keep it up!

Ken Francisco
9 years ago

So well put, Jedediah :)

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