I have never been a liberal. In fact, my parents and I often joke that I popped out of the womb as a Reagan conservative. As a result, I don’t have a fascinating liberal-turned-conservative convert story to share with you. I also can’t tell you what it’s like to be inside the head of a lefty. But … I can tell you what it’s like to date one.
Now before you say “Are you crazy?” or “How could you possibly?”—hear me out. I grew up in New York City, attended Columbia University, worked in academia, and have an absolute and undeniable magnetism toward artists and musicians. In other words, my dating pool has consistently been saturated by lefties. And although it may surprise you, I’m really glad it has. The lessons have been absolutely priceless.
And so I bring you my “Lessons Learned from Dating Liberals”:
- You may think you’re arguing about who used the last clean fork or why his clothes are still on the bathroom floor, but you are mistaken. What you’re really doing is judging him. That’s right, you self-assured, confident, just-stating-your-opinion right-winger. Everything you say is a judgment. And yes, that includes your comment that his dinner could use a little more salt.
- No matter what happens, it’s your job to take responsibility for it. Doesn’t matter that you didn’t do it. Doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your fault. Not important that you were sitting by quietly while he had a fairly alarming tantrum. STILL YOUR FAULT. And when you “own up,” don’t try any of that simple “I’m sorry” stuff. You must display profound internal suffering at all times.
- Your opinions don’t count. Well, that’s not entirely true. They count when you agree with him. When you don’t, you’re wrong. And not just wrong, but mean. And hurtful. And—you guessed it—judgmental.
- He’s not short. (He’s vertically-challenged.) He’s not a nerd. (He’s an intellectual.) He’s not broke. (He’s temporarily fiscally deficient.) And if you Brooklyn girls happen to talk about how much you like your Guinea tees (as this Italian often does), you’re a horrible, horrible person. In other words, you’ve entered the PC-only zone. Proceed with caution or you will have one offended lefty on your hands.
- If you want to stay on his good side, be extremely generous with money—everyone’s money but his, that is. Also, volunteer to pay for just about everything (bonus: you get to master the liberal “break traditional gentlemanly norms” dating rule). And always hate on the rich (because he insists it will make you feel better about your paycheck—and his).
- You’re only allowed to be as successful as he is. So stop working so hard! I mean, you’re clearly just trying to make him feel inadequate. (And yes, he will self-identify as a feminist while demeaning your ambition.) P.S.—If you sit on the couch laughing and enjoying a bag of Doritos while he condescends, experience has taught me that you will spend your night listening to a lot of screeching.
- You must always be tolerant of his feelings, likes and dislikes, and temporary physical and emotional states. That means you must coddle him (but don’t call it that because it will make him feel weak) and de-prioritize your every need and emotion (but don’t say that either, or he’ll remind you how selfish you are). Also, never respond to a curse word with a curse word. His curse is warranted. Yours is just cruel.
- Perhaps most importantly, never turn on Fox News (or you shall face his stomping feet). Also, clear your bookshelves of anything that says “capitalism,” “Sean Hannity,” and “global warming myth” (or his screeching will return). Of course, be prepared for a nice late-night dinner after you’re fully censored, during which he will reference the importance of diversity, healthy debate, and open-mindedness.
So, there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed a peek into life with a lefty. Oh, and I almost forgot—never smile too much! Clearly, you’re only doing it to belittle his perpetual depression.
And yes, when in the midst of one of his many tantrums, revenge really is as simple as putting on an American flag t-shirt.