My friend is crazy about a dude she’s never even kissed. I mean head-over-heels, order-three-coffees-at-his-coffeehouse-even-though-you-hate-coffee crazy. She gets that weird light in her eyes when she talks about him. Her hair is always perfect these days, just in case she needs, well, a coffee. It’s kind of adorable.
“Ask him out,” I said to her the other day outside the coffeehouse.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I got back. It was like I had suggested she strip naked and hop on the coffee bar in the middle of the afternoon. I didn’t get it. I’ve met this guy a few times. He’s cute as a button, nice as could be, but clearly shy. He has a permanent blush. He obviously likes her. He spends way too much time at her table on busy days and looks for any excuse to make casual conversation. I’m pretty positive he’d snatch that date in a hot minute. So, what’s the problem?
And then I put myself in her shoes. Would I ask him out? Or would I sit there day after day waiting for him to make the first move?
I first turned to some of my single male friends and asked them to honestly tell me what they think of ladies asking them out. Here’s what I got back:
Mister B, 26: “Love it. Love a girl who isn’t afraid to act first.”
Mister J, 39: “Where is she? I’ve been waiting for years.”
Mister M, 35: “No issue with it at all. Makes me like her more right from the start.”
Mister D, 24: “Sign me up.”
None of those guys are the shy types, either.
I thought back to my grad school days. I remember a few months of sitting in a stupid bar night after night pretending to like alcohol because the bartender was, as I said back then, “too cute for words.” Not only did I sit in the damn bar over and over without saying a word, but I made it hard for the dude. I was distantly flirtatious, but didn’t sit near him or anything. That would be nuts. I’d smile from across the room occasionally, but didn’t do anything crazy like actually order my drinks from him. Not only did I expect him to make the first move, but I expected him to a) be a mind reader and b) dive in with little to no clear signs that I’d be interested.
Then I thought of my friend, sitting day after day in that coffeehouse at the corner table, head buried in a book most of the time. Heaven forbid she actually make the whole thing easier by giving the guy some clues that she likes him.
I don’t have an answer as to why so many of us ladies have done this at some point in our lives. Do we just like men to really take the lead? Have we been told too many times that asking a guy out isn’t the right way to go? Does it feel too risky? Or too weird? Do we like the idea of knowing that we’ve made it hard for a guy to approach us and yet he can’t resist anyway?
I don’t have your answer.
What I do know is that sometimes we do dumb stuff and miss out on could-be-great stuff because of it. Years after grad school, I ran into my “too cute for words” bartender in another bar. I almost fainted. One of the first things he said to me? “I remember you, the girl I couldn’t get to like me.”
What. An. Idiot. Me, not him.
So if you really, really like him, let him know. Don’t be so cryptic. (Yes, I’m working on taking my own advice.)
And to my friend who’s probably reading this right now and laughing: Stop drinking the coffee you hate and go get him, girl. Or at least toss the guy a wink or two. Life’s too short to wonder what could’ve been.
Jedediah Bila is co-host of “Outnumbered” on Fox News at 12pm ET. She is an author, columnist, and Fox News Contributor. Follow Jedediah on Twitter @JedediahBila.
Via Jedediah Bila at Breitbart's Conversation