By Ian Gargan
We all have a picture of the way a traditional Mother’s Day is spent, maybe a little breakfast in bed, flowers, spend the day outside in the garden, or maybe have the kids clean their room and keep it that way! But we should see how a woke left family spends their Mother’s Day weekend. When I asked my super woke cousin what he did last Mother’s Day, he sent me this via email:
On Sunday, I spent my time more progressively than your family. The first step to fighting back against the oppressive holiday created for ciswomen is to cross out Mother’s Day on the calendar and write in bold red letters ‘Birthing Persons Day’! What about men who give birth? We need to be more inclusive of them too.
After that, we continue our daily ritual where we kneel in front of our George Floyd memorial because, as Nancy Pelosi said, we should thank him for sacrificing his life for justice. And we do! Then we chant ‘defund the police’ for a few minutes before we get dressed for the day. Once everyone is dressed, we grab our masks and head out. My 7-year-old, who has yet to choose his gender, has a soccer game. The other parents get mad and claim a biological boy has no place in a girls’ soccer league, but I explained that’s just them being bigots. They are probably just mad because he’s such a great athlete.
After soccer, we can visit one of our favorite black-owned businesses and support them for all the injustice we have caused them since being in America. Although my whole family is triple vaccinated with a booster, we like to play it safe, so we keep our masks on even when we’re eating. We took pictures to post on Facebook so we could show everyone how noble we are with our masks, of course.
Unfortunately, this time when we sat down, the server told my spouse Happy Mother’s Day right off the bat! She was instantly triggered; how dare they assume her gender. And to link it to a discriminatory term like Mother’s Day is simply disgusting. So, we left to go take a walk in the park.
Since the park was filled with so many maskless people, my spouse, non-gender specific children, and I began to shout at everyone who came within a few feet of us. We scream things like “don’t you care about your neighbors?” and “flatten the curve” or “you’re all super spreaders!” Things like this really give my family a sense of pride, as if we are making a change in the world.
At the end of the day, I finally gave my spouse her gift, 2 tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves game. A dream of hers is to chain herself to the hoop in protest of Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor, that chicken killing monster! In support of my spouse, I’m going to dress up as a chicken and bring a bottle of ketchup to show everyone that chickens are human too and deserve our respect.