Entertainment / Opinion

A Very Woke Mother’s Day

By Ian Gargan

We all have a picture of the way a traditional Mother’s Day is spent, maybe a little breakfast in bed, flowers, spend the day outside in the garden, or maybe have the kids clean their room and keep it that way! But we should see how a woke left family spends their Mother’s Day weekend. When I asked my super woke cousin what he did last Mother’s Day, he sent me this via email:

Hi Ian,

On Sunday, I spent my time more progressively than your family. The first step to fighting back against the oppressive holiday created for ciswomen is to cross out Mother’s Day on the calendar and write in bold red letters ‘Birthing Persons Day’! What about men who give birth? We need to be more inclusive of them too.

After that, we continue our daily ritual where we kneel in front of our George Floyd memorial because, as Nancy Pelosi said, we should thank him for sacrificing his life for justice. And we do! Then we chant ‘defund the police’ for a few minutes before we get dressed for the day. Once everyone is dressed, we grab our masks and head out. My 7-year-old, who has yet to choose his gender, has a soccer game. The other parents get mad and claim a biological boy has no place in a girls’ soccer league, but I explained that’s just them being bigots. They are probably just mad because he’s such a great athlete.

After soccer, we can visit one of our favorite black-owned businesses and support them for all the injustice we have caused them since being in America. Although my whole family is triple vaccinated with a booster, we like to play it safe, so we keep our masks on even when we’re eating. We took pictures to post on Facebook so we could show everyone how noble we are with our masks, of course.

Unfortunately, this time when we sat down, the server told my spouse Happy Mother’s Day right off the bat! She was instantly triggered; how dare they assume her gender. And to link it to a discriminatory term like Mother’s Day is simply disgusting. So, we left to go take a walk in the park.

Since the park was filled with so many maskless people, my spouse, non-gender specific children, and I began to shout at everyone who came within a few feet of us. We scream things like “don’t you care about your neighbors?” and “flatten the curve” or “you’re all super spreaders!” Things like this really give my family a sense of pride, as if we are making a change in the world.

At the end of the day, I finally gave my spouse her gift, 2 tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves game. A dream of hers is to chain herself to the hoop in protest of Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor, that chicken killing monster! In support of my spouse, I’m going to dress up as a chicken and bring a bottle of ketchup to show everyone that chickens are human too and deserve our respect.  


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Steve Goetz
14 days ago

Love it!! Isn’t that the way we think they are really like.????????????

Christian Funnies
14 days ago

Kind of tame! If you want to make fun of “woke culture” you really have to do better than this. Here’s a quick rewrite.

For me and my life partner Aurora (she/they), this was a very special Caregivers Day indeed. I had purposely gotten Aurora pregnant for the fifth time in two years, even though of course we never intend to have any children (yuck, those “breeders” make us sick!). The main reason is that pregnancy induces lactation, of course, and lactation videos fetch a pretty penny in the “specialty” markets! We’ve used the proceeds to fund a nationwide education program that does Marxist readings of the Marvel movies. (Sample essay question: “Given that Tony Stark controls the means of production, was his noble sacrifice in the end of Avengers: Endgame actually stolen valor?”)

On this Caregivers Day, since Aurora had already produced a healthy amount of milk (we even minted some NFTs of her glands this time around!), it was time for the celebratory abortion! We rolled into Planned Parenthood in a stretch Tesla, blasting Arcade Fire from speakers made of 100% reclaimed materials. Showing our “frequent flyer” card to the staff, we were ushered into the luxury VIP room, where none other than AOC herself was waiting to perform the D&C! As a sedative, Aurora was given a puff of an organic vape from the Goop store (flavor: “Bernie’s old Volvo”) and quickly began dreaming of a utopian society in which all elections were determined by the judges on Rupaul’s Drag Race. Then AOC went to work with the surgical vacuum (gold-plated for VIPs!) and, as all the bits of fetal tissue were sucked into the appliance, I chanted passages from Marx & Engels to hail the elimination of another potential capitalist.

Once we were done “gettin’ our abortin’ on” Aurora and I hit up the local craft cocktail bar to enjoy some drinks. The “Caregivers Day Special” was small-batch whiskey with house-made bitters and a splash of fetal stem cells — very refreshing on a Spring day! In fact, after a couple of rounds we were feeling rather “frisky” so, within the bounds of our ethically non-monogamous relationship, we made love to a number of bar patrons who were up for some consensual escapades. With any luck, Aurora will soon be growing another meaningless fetus and we can begin the cycle anew!

Ted
16 days ago

With thinking like that, this country is heading down and will fail. I feel sorry for the kids that they are being brainwashed by there woke parents.

Susan Miller
16 days ago

Hahaha, that was Awesome!Thanks for the laugh.

Dave
17 days ago

I’m so glad that those time/money wasters are going down the crapper!

I don’t care what it took to get that garbage out, thanks to the ‘woke’, they finally did something worthwhile for me!

Marian Barchilon
17 days ago

Yes I have met them too.

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