By Jedediah Bila
You’ve heard them before and you’ll hear them again.
They’ve occasionally inspired you to put on a “Right Wing Extremist” t-shirt – Founding Fathers image included – and stroll around the late-night San Francisco party scene.
That’s right, folks. I’m talking about run-of-the-mill leftist comebacks. They’re plentiful, varied, and – most importantly – infused with just the right amount of insanity to trigger fit after fit of laughter.
So, without further ado, I offer my “Top Ten Leftist Comebacks” (each followed by commentary from a fictional far-left loon).
Drum roll, please …
10. They’re not acts of terrorism. They’re man-caused disasters. Hey, we don’t want to ruffle the feathers of any isolated extremists, now do we? Plus, terrorism is such a mean word. Mean and combative. Like those terror-fighting Republicans.
9. The GOP is the party of the rich. Forget that in 2006, the Center for Responsive Politics determined that seven of the top ten richest members of the Senate were Democrats. And leave Nancy’s vineyard and Harry’s Ritz-Carlton den out of this.
8. Sarah Palin has no experience. Yes, I know – Mayor, Governor, Chairperson of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. But … has she voted 129 times as “present”? I think not.
7. Republicans are opposed to immigration. Don’t pull any of that “I support legal immigration” funny stuff. Legal this, Constitution that. It’s unsettling.
6. Republicans don’t care about the environment. Forget your American Energy Act. Let’s allow the government to do what it does best and punish – I mean, reward – businesses.
5. Government stimulus will keep unemployment down. We may just need a little more of your money to prove that. Please? This time the projects will be shovel-ready, we promise!
4. The GOP is opposed to health care reform. Obstructionists! (No, I did not read the GOP health care reform proposal. Keith Olbermann told me not to.)
3. Republicans are the party of “no”. Leave your pledge out of this. “Yes” to stopping tax hikes, “yes” to establishing a hard cap on new discretionary spending, “yes” to holding weekly votes on spending cuts, “yes” to pro-free market alternatives to the health care law, and “yes” to requiring each bill moving through Congress to cite its constitutional justification don’t count.
2. It’s Bush’s fault. So what if Obama added more to the national debt in the first nineteen months of his administration than all presidents from Washington through Reagan combined. He had to spend that money. Paul Krugman said so.
1. Racist! That’s right – all of you: SB 1070 supporters, Rush Limbaugh, the TEA Party, and that guy who told me he prefers the white half of black-and-white cookies.
So, there you have it. I’d love to stick around, but I’m about to slip on my “Reagan Was Right” sweatshirt and head to the Upper West Side.
Black half of a black-and-white cookie in hand.