By Jedediah Bila –
Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. Trees are being trimmed, carols are being sung, children are excitedly awaiting Santa, and I’m avoiding the kitchen so as not to turn a delicious meal into something indigestible.
In the spirit of all things festive, I bring you my “Top 5 Christmas Gifts for Liberals”:
5. A one-year scholarship to Hillsdale College. Because contorting the Commerce Clause and Establishment Clause like Gumby—and repeating “living and breathing” like well-oiled robots—have to stop at some point, no?
4. A copy of Politically Correct Holiday Stories to right the racist, misogynistic, insensitive, sexist, ageist, gender-stereotyping wrongs of your bedtime story-filled childhood. Guaranteed to coddle any injured, hypersensitive soul, big or small.
3. Mark Levin’s Ameritopia. Because let’s face it, lefties—isn’t it time you learn something? Audio of The Great One inviting you to “Get off the phone, you big dope” included FREE!
2. A switch that flicks on enough Christmas lights to illuminate New York City. Because much like a functional toilet bowl and a waterboarded terrorist, they make me giddy.
And, of course…
1. YOUR hard-earned Christmas bonus. Because truth be told, there’s nothing like a little wealth redistribution to satisfy a lefty holiday heart.
Stocking stuffers include non-recyclable plastic bags, radios whose dials are stuck on “The Sean Hannity Show,” a potpourri medley for Occupy Wall Street enthusiasts, Tim Tebow jerseys, and talking Sarah Palin “You Betcha” key chains.
Candy canes of all sizes, shapes, and colors are to be included in equal proportion.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Looking forward to a fabulous 2012.